On Dec. 13, I went to Paul Shaffer at UJA’s Centennial Campaign Closing. As you know, I like to write songs for celebrities, hoping that will endear me to them. But I left this one to the last minute. An hour before the event, I wrote a song about Paul Shaffer. But instead of trying to film it and the video, I figured I should get to the event on time and record the song later. And I learned a lot at the event. Before hearing about this event, it had never occurred to me that David Letterman’s sidekick was Jewish, or Canadian. Though that just might be because I hadn’t thought about Paul much. But at the event, he mentioned he was born at Toronto’s Mount Sinai, just like me. And had some relationship to Holy Blossom Temple, which is where I went to religious school. Paul also apparently wrote the song “It’s raining men”, which might become my anthem if I give up on finding a woman this year. Anyway, I got a photo with him, to show you we’re twinsies:
I told him I wrote a song about him, and he was just like, “Ok.” So I probably won’t record it. He doesn’t seem that interested. But I wanted to post the lyrics for you, so that they don’t completely go to waste. So I’ll do that below.
Maybe I should stop writing songs about Jews. I don’t think Randi Zuckerberg even ever watched the song I sent her. At least Catherine McKenna, the Minister of the Environment, retweeted my song for her. I’ve always done better with shiksas. And so, I’m totally going to record a song for Jessica Chastain, who’s giving a talk at TIFF under my condo on Tuesday. Tickets are sold out, but I’m sure she’ll see my song and invite me as her date. Right? Ok, just let me have my dreams, ok?
Anyway, here’s the script about Paul that I wrote:
Oh, hello. You caught me just as I was drawing a picture of Paul Shaffer, the band leader and sidekick on David Letterman’s talk show. Paul’s going to be in town in an hour at the UJA Centennial Campaign Closing. I wasn’t planning to go. But they just posted a photo of him at the Sheraton Hotel, and I realized how much he looks like me. And it made me think of an idea that I want to pitch to him. But I want him to hear the idea before I show up, so he’ll be ready to sign the contract when I get there. So I’m sending him this video. Hi, Paul! Here’s my idea. First, look how much we look alike. I guess I could have just put up this photo. Actually, you probably already know what you look like. Good thing I just drew this as a joke, to show you I’m as funny as you. Huh?
Anyway, I know you’ve starred on Letterman and Saturday Live and in movies and sitcoms and you’re Grammy-nominated and on the Canada Walk of Fame. So obviously you want to accomplish everything. And what you haven’t done is have your own YouTube show. But you’re probably too busy, being talented and successful. So! As your doppelganger, I will host your YouTube Show, and tell people that I’m you! And you can Executive Produce the show. And by Executive Produce, I mean let me sleep on your couch. Because the Josh Rachlis YouTube show hasn’t exactly been paying my mortgage.
Now, I know you’re the music expert, but to show you how easy this show will be for you to “host”, (wink) I’ve even taken care of the theme song.
Welcome to the Paul Shaffer Youtube show
I am Paul Shaffer, as well you know
If when I sing I don’t quite sound exactly like him
It’s cuz I have a cold and my throat has phlegm
I started my music career in Toronto
See I said Toronto like a native, not Toronto
I’m famous for piano so why am I playing guitar?
Cuz I got bored with piano so I’ve taught myself 3 chords so far
I have a wife named Cathy
and a boy and a girl
That’s all I know about them
Until Wikipedia adds more
Who was my favourite guest on Letterman
Oh man there were so many
But if I have to name one, it’s when (cough) said (cough)
Ah, yes, that was pretty funny
Yes, I’m Paul Shaffer and please donate
But make the cheque out to Josh Rachlis
Not that I’m him, I’m totally not
It’ll just help me with my taxes
Cuz I am Paul Shaffer with my bald head and shades
(pause to put on shades)
And there you go, my argument is made
SONG ENDS. MORE TALKING:
And there you go. I’m sure this is a done deal. So just on a side note, I notice on Wikipedia that you never returned Seinfeld’s call to play George Constanza. What? We would have made an awesome George! I could have subbed in for you so you’d only have to go half the time. Call Larry David and tell him you want to play George in Curb Your Enthusiasm now! Please! Or at least maybe save me some of the desserts at the event tonight. I have a feeling I’m going to be late, cuz I have to upload this video.