Will I be the next Canadian that Selena Gomez dates after Justin Bieber and The Weeknd? Find out in the March 26, 2017 edition of Josh Rachlis Today’s Josh RachLIST (haha, get it?), the World’s Number One Most Viewed report on the celebrity gossip and entertainment news that Josh Rachlis finds interesting.
The Story: I was reading and summarizing the celebrity gossip blogs for a radio network that I’ve been talking to about maybe doing that a job for them. And I figured that since I’d already done the research, it was a good time to try what I’ve been wanting to do – Make a funny daily gossip report for YouTube . As you can see, it went off the rails, as I pined away for the lovely celebrity ladies – And one man. Oh, and I forgot to use a pop guard, since I rarely use this mic. So the bad sound quality drives me crazy. But it’s my first attempt, so I’ll keep learning! Oh, and to try out my new scanner, I drew a celebrity gossip cartoon about Harry Styles’ teaser trailer:
And, and since I typed the thing up as a script I might as well paste it in here as a blog. So that people can find it by Googling their favourite celebrities and I can be a rich and famous celebrity gossip blogger like Perez Hilton. In the video, you can see how I diverged from the script. I have mad improv skills. Anyway, here’s my report:
Welcome to Josh Rachlis Today, your source for all the hottest entertainment news and celebrity gossip that I found interesting. Which isn’t a lot. So it’s a short list. The Josh Rach-list, I like to call it. Which is a very funny pun, if you’re as intimately familiar with my name as I am.
First up, a new trailer for Justice League came out this weekend, and in it, The Flash asks Bruce Wayne, “Um, what are your superpowers again?” And Bruce says, “I’m rich.” Haha! It reminds me that I’d like to be rich. So I can pay for this apartment. And since I don’t have brains or talent, I’ll need to marry a rich celebrity. Like Selena Gomez.
Selena Gomez and The Weeknd are in the news because they’re dating since January and she’s been following him around for 2 months and now they’re on their 3rd continent. After a romantic Toronto trip, now they’re in Brazil where he’s playing Lollapalooza 2017. Wait, wait? Last week they were in Toronto? Yah, they did a VIP movie night in the city – I’ve been to movies in this city. I’ve even paid the extra 10 bucks for the VIP theatre. If that’s the kind of VIP they did. Which it probably isn’t. They had dinner at the Japanese restaurant Blowfish – I went there once when my work was paying for it. They had lunch at The Thompson Diner at the Thompson hotel – I know a girl who works in the kitchen, although she never comes out to say hi when I’m there. Look, all of this is walking distance from my apartment. And she likes Canadians – Justin Bieber and The Weeknd are Canadian. So basically, I’m perfect for her. I’m going to change my name to something cool, like The Weekday, and now I’ll just wait for her to DM (“Direct Message”) me on Instagram. Nothing yet. But she’s in Brazil, so her internet is slow.
While we wait, let’s talk about Harry Styles. A moody, piano-driven teaser video for his first single aired on The Voice over the weekend. In the video, he’s walking through a dark room and it looks like he’s soaking wet, and he opens a door. Oh, and on his Instagram, he posted 3 blank photos of nothing.
And girls around the world are losing their minds. So clearly, I’ve been going about this dating thing wrong. To be adored by the women of the world, I need to stop using a towel after I shower, and I should stop posting selfies. My new Instagram post is of a white piece of paper. So I will wait for the DM’s from all the fan girls. They don’t even have to be rich. As long as they have a couch I can crash on. Ok, nothing yet.
While we wait…
Elton John Had Star-Studded 70th Birthday Party on Saturday. Lady Gaga and Stevie Wonder Performed. Katy Perry was there. Katy, if you DM me, I’ll tell Selena I’m taken. But while I wait for Katy… Umm… Elton’s husband David Furnish is a Toronto filmmaker who used to work in advertising. Hello! So am I! Why am I not married to Elton John? I’d turn gay for him. I’m not being picky here. I will marry any rich celebrity, male or female.
And one of them better marry me quick, or I’ll have to be like this guy and start stripping. Yes, 39-year-old Jon Gosselin – from reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8, about their 8 kids, but now they’re divorced and he has no show – has landed a new gig, as a stripper with the ‘Untamed Male Revue’ out of Dusk Nightclub in Atlantic City, New Jersey. I was afraid I’d have to shave and get into shape to be a stripper, but clearly not. All I need is an Adidas jacket like that one. Which I have. I could post a photo of me in it on Instagram but, oh, I’m supposed to just post blank spaces.
Well, anyway, I drew this cartoon about Harry Styles. Check it out on my Instagram. Oh, wait. No!